So, what's going on?
Why so vague, dummy?
First of all, I’m fine. Everyone is fine. I hate vaguebooking and I’m sorry I had to resort to that but the last two weeks or so has been A LOT. A LOT A LOT.
My mother1 is 84, lives alone, and seems to be under the impression that she can handle activities like, “getting on a ladder” and “doing vigorous yard work.” A few months ago she got on a stepladder and promptly fell and, while unhurt, it took two people to get her off the floor. This was… not great.. As I was quietly freaking out from 2,500 miles away my husband looked at me and said, “Do you want to move back East?” I pretty much immediately said yes, even though after four years in Oregon I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of things.
We both started looking for jobs and Fred found a good opportunity pretty quickly, so spoiler alert: we’re moving to Charlotte, NC. This is obviously not where I’m from but it’s close enough. I can drive home to Richmond in 4 hours or go visit Marianne in Knoxville in under 4 hours which is a delightful bonus. Also, I very much miss the familiarity of the Southeast and our housing budget can get us a lot more in NC, so there’s that. Will I miss Oregon? More than I can say, though I will definitely say a lot about that in a later entry.
While all this was still in the preliminary stages, my mom had another fall. I had plans with her for a FaceTime call and I was going to tell her about the potential move. Instead, I got a call from her very kind neighbor who told me that my mom had fallen in her back yard and the EMTs were there and she was going to the hospital. Are you fucking kidding me with this, MOM2. She’d decided to go dig around in her yard and tripped and fell on her face. Two broken ribs, a lot of bruises and some stitches. (She’s okay! Back home after a week in the hospital and rehab. Completely unrepentant.)
It was stressful and scary but any hesitation I had about moving was now gone, because the next time she falls it’ll be worse and I hate feeling useless and far away when things go sideways. Also, it’s not fair to my older sister who has been doing all of it.
Meanwhile, my job in research administration has gone from stressful to downright demoralizing. The grants proposals we worked so hard on submitting have fallen one by one. IMLS, Fulbright, NEH, Dept of Ed. All canceled. Poof. Every day brings more bad news and it feels like everything important and meaningful about what I do has turned to dust. I hate it, y’all. It’s a bad feeling.
But soon, I’ll have to find a new job and maybe I’ll do something different. First, though, we have to sell our house and buy a new house and spend time with friends, and have a few more PNW adventures in between packing boxes and trips to the thrift store. The anxiety is breathtaking but I’m hoping once we land, things will work out okay. Then it’s just a matter of finding the new job, making some new friends, finding new bike trails and a new gym, a new doctor, dentist, hair stylist, dermatologist, etc etc. OH MY GOD. It’s a lot, like I said. But, we’ve done it before and we can do it again.
Just to give you a clear picture: My mother is fiercely independent and wants to stay in her house. There is no budging her and she has very few financial resources anyway, so we have to operate within this framework.
In case you think me heartless, I PAY someone to help her with this stuff every week.
Of course you're not heartless! I've been in this position, as have millions of women, and it is really tough. ("Unrepentant" made me laugh out loud!) I am glad that your husband is so supportive, and that you will be closer to family and friends this way. We are all under so much pressure these days.
My mom fell a bunch of times in her early 80s, then she got knee replacements and did a lot of p/t and that helped for a while. Then she fell and broke her femur and they had to replace her hip joint replacement and now she walks with a walker (at 94)