I've got two kids, both "grown," and I love them more than life itself, but I will be the first to admit that they make life harder in a lot of different ways. Are there rewards, sure. And again, I love them, but we are in a hard place with both of them right now and so things maybe feel a bit harder than at others. I feel like this is a safe space where they won't see my comments, so I can say that there are times I've had "Sliding Doors" fantasies (iykyk) of what my life would have been like had I not had them.
I have three kids and while I do not regret having them, I do regret swallowing the BS that you get married, you buy a house, you have kids because what else is there? I regret that no one tells you to heal your generational trauma first. There's only talk of diapers and sleepless nights, not of the bigger issues you'll deal with later. Bullying, sexual abuse, depression, their failures and struggles that break your heart (but you put on a smile), letting them go. My kids have all told me they don't want to have kids, for varied reasons, and at first, I was hurt (thinking I was such a horrible mom that they didn't want to be the same way to their kids) but now I get it. The world is on fire and instead of vilifying childfree people, maybe we should thank them for both their population control and for their understanding that we. cannot. go. on. as. we. have. Resources are not infinite and we are failing the children already on this planet every single day. How many more have to be born just to die in a classroom, or of neglect, or in war?
Reading this, I want to slap multiple people for saying thoughtless and outright mean things to you. The truth is, we're just emerging into the idea that you can be childless by choice. For centuries, it was assumed a couple didn't have children because they couldn't, and also that it was the woman's fault. So, progress? I am assuming that my son will visit me, and perhaps bring carryout, but taking care of me is reserved for paid professionals and my cat.
Your words could be my words, it is crazy how similar our experience is. People, mostly other women, have said some of the cruelest things about not being a mother. My own mother called me barren. My first marriage was with a man who (through therapy) I know understand I never really felt safe with so clearly kids weren't happening. I met my now husband and kids just weren't in the cards for us. We are also in our 40's and love our life. So yes, I am childfree by choice and I am fine! I would hope everyone else would be as well, but they really aren't. Just know, I see you and it is so refreshing to read words from another woman, who like me, has made these choices and frankly, thriving thankyouverymuch.
1. What the what, first husband?!?! Good riddance.
2. I am also child free. The term childless rubs me the wrong way because it implies there is only one way.
3. I also divorced my first husband. Neither of us wanted children, but the thought of it for close family and friends was horrendous. "How can you fulfill your purpose in life?!?!" Let me show you the ways!!!
4. I also never ever got the baby fever. I can't relate one bit to people who will go through great lengths to conceive despite major life challenges.
5. I am now in a committed relationship with someone who is a parent of a 12yo and a 15yo. They're the best kids. I get to enjoy shenanigans and fun times, watch them grow up and crave out their space in the world, and teach them curse words. It fills my heart but it is also nice when they go back to their mother's house. :-)
Thank you for your thoughtful post! I have two almost grown kids, but I always knew I wanted kids, so that was a choice I made. And man, it was HARD when they were little. Hindsight is 20/20 but I do think my struggles in being a mom impacted my ability to be a wife, which was one of the factors that contributed to my divorce when the kids were 5 and 2. Furthermore, I have no idea what choices I would have made if circumstances had been different - I married my first husband at 26 and was able to get pregnant fairly easily both times.
I maintain that the silver lining in my divorce was that I was able to find myself once again. It is not something I would have chosen (I was in what I thought was a strong, loving, committed relationship, and I know my kids struggled with going back and forth between two homes), I felt like I was reborn. Half of the time, I was a devoted mother, but the other half of the time I was ME - I could choose to work late, go out with friends, date, or just chill at home alone. I didn't realize how much I needed this until I had it.
I do find myself lately thinking about becoming a grandmother someday, and it makes me sad to think that my kids might choose not to have kids of their own. Sad, but not angry, hurt, or confused - this is their choice. But after experiencing my mom's particularly close relationship with my kids, it seems like it would be so much fun to be a grandparent.
I feel this. Right now I doubt either of my kids will have their own children and it makes me really sad because I would love to be a grandmother, but if they choose not to I will never make them feel guilty about it for a lot of the reasons Tiffany wrote about in her comment. Having kids now is infinitely harder, I think, than it was even twenty years ago when I had mine. Resources seem scarcer and everything is so damn expensive.
I ended up married with children, but sometime in my late 20s, I realized I was fine if it happened or it didn't happen. I would have been fine with either outcome. There are so, so, SO many ways to have a full, amazing, connected life full of love that do not require having children. I will never tell someone to have kids or ask when they are. It's ridiculous. Our life would be very different without kids, but I can't say whether it would be "better" or "worse" - it's a silly comparison that devalues everyone's life choices and circumstances. You do you, always here to support everyone's choices about their lives (barring, y'know the patently dangerous or illegal).
As a person with kids, I think there's a lot of wild mental gymnastics going on behind that crap those parents spewed at you. Specifically, I think it's a whole lot of suppressed angst about how maybe parenting is too much to be worth it. It's absolutely impossible to have a conversation about regretting having children, because you're talking about the existence of an actual human being, which makes a lot of parental emotions totally taboo. (Parents can talk about how tired and overwhelmed they are, but it's taboo to question whether you regret having kids.) So we convince ourselves that there must be a Golden True Reason why having kids was the right decision. So you, with your apparent happiness and lack of regrets, are really challenging a load-bearing belief for them, and they're lashing like immature asses in response.
I believe to the core of my being that every child ought to be enthusiastically wanted - and especially in this day and age, there is – or should be – no reason for kids just to be the default thing that people do. I feel this all the more deeply because I have two, the most wonderful kids, who were wanted and planned for; I have told them both that they have no obligation ever to have children of their own, and that what I want for their lives is that they make the choices that make them happy. Having kids was my choice, but they are separate people from me and deserve to be able to make their own choices.
[[Applause]] The journey is different for everyone and that is OK. I cherish your experiences as they have been different than many of mine and have been, in many cases, an inspiration. You can always count on this old friend, but we have a ways to go! 😘
Oh, he was a functioning alcoholic so really, the call was coming from inside the house with that one. But it always stings when people say that stuff to your face. And thank you!
I thought I didn't want kids, and then I realized I wanted one (ONE), and I am in complete agreement that only folks who really, truly, want them should have them. My kid is my priority in life, and he will be for the next 18 years. But I CHOSE that, and I chose it knowing this would be the case - because my parents didn't prioritize me, and sent me off to adulthood with a whole bushel of emotional baggage.
I am in full-throated support of however folks want to live their lives, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Have kids, don't have kids, travel, become mayor of your town, whatever. Happy people make the world a better place.
i'm so sad you said that about your childhood, I mean, that you didnt' have an excellent one. you're so funny & interesting and I love your blog & substack. anyway, you're amazing. I don't care if you don't have kids.
Thank you. Honestly, in some ways it made me more resilient and forced me to work things out on my own. I wish I could write more about it but I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet.
Thank you for writing this. I am childless and what you described was very close to what I went through (I'm now 52). This article brought tears to my eyes and so many emotions including relief maybe? Relief in the sense that I'm not the only one to have these feelings, I'm okay and normal. I love children and being around them but for me it just seemed to be never the right time to have a child and too overwhelming that I'd be responsible for a person totally dependant on me. This article helped me feel normal about being childless and not selfish
There are lots of us! It's truly okay to not want to take a common path and lots of people have kids for entirely selfish reasons. People who think someone who choses to not have kids is "selfish" are telling on themselves.
Love it. Really thoughtful post. I'm really lucky to have been spared anyone ever really saying anything to me about not having children. I come from a small family where my parents were the only ones out of their siblings to have kids so I never even had cousins. I think also, when kids grow up feeling like they have to parent their parents, it really takes away from the "miracle" that is having children. For some of us, it's constant worry, concern and survival at a young age. My adult years have been spent trying to find my inner child.
I've got two kids, both "grown," and I love them more than life itself, but I will be the first to admit that they make life harder in a lot of different ways. Are there rewards, sure. And again, I love them, but we are in a hard place with both of them right now and so things maybe feel a bit harder than at others. I feel like this is a safe space where they won't see my comments, so I can say that there are times I've had "Sliding Doors" fantasies (iykyk) of what my life would have been like had I not had them.
I have three kids and while I do not regret having them, I do regret swallowing the BS that you get married, you buy a house, you have kids because what else is there? I regret that no one tells you to heal your generational trauma first. There's only talk of diapers and sleepless nights, not of the bigger issues you'll deal with later. Bullying, sexual abuse, depression, their failures and struggles that break your heart (but you put on a smile), letting them go. My kids have all told me they don't want to have kids, for varied reasons, and at first, I was hurt (thinking I was such a horrible mom that they didn't want to be the same way to their kids) but now I get it. The world is on fire and instead of vilifying childfree people, maybe we should thank them for both their population control and for their understanding that we. cannot. go. on. as. we. have. Resources are not infinite and we are failing the children already on this planet every single day. How many more have to be born just to die in a classroom, or of neglect, or in war?
Reading this, I want to slap multiple people for saying thoughtless and outright mean things to you. The truth is, we're just emerging into the idea that you can be childless by choice. For centuries, it was assumed a couple didn't have children because they couldn't, and also that it was the woman's fault. So, progress? I am assuming that my son will visit me, and perhaps bring carryout, but taking care of me is reserved for paid professionals and my cat.
Your words could be my words, it is crazy how similar our experience is. People, mostly other women, have said some of the cruelest things about not being a mother. My own mother called me barren. My first marriage was with a man who (through therapy) I know understand I never really felt safe with so clearly kids weren't happening. I met my now husband and kids just weren't in the cards for us. We are also in our 40's and love our life. So yes, I am childfree by choice and I am fine! I would hope everyone else would be as well, but they really aren't. Just know, I see you and it is so refreshing to read words from another woman, who like me, has made these choices and frankly, thriving thankyouverymuch.
Several thoughts:
1. What the what, first husband?!?! Good riddance.
2. I am also child free. The term childless rubs me the wrong way because it implies there is only one way.
3. I also divorced my first husband. Neither of us wanted children, but the thought of it for close family and friends was horrendous. "How can you fulfill your purpose in life?!?!" Let me show you the ways!!!
4. I also never ever got the baby fever. I can't relate one bit to people who will go through great lengths to conceive despite major life challenges.
5. I am now in a committed relationship with someone who is a parent of a 12yo and a 15yo. They're the best kids. I get to enjoy shenanigans and fun times, watch them grow up and crave out their space in the world, and teach them curse words. It fills my heart but it is also nice when they go back to their mother's house. :-)
Thank you for your thoughtful post! I have two almost grown kids, but I always knew I wanted kids, so that was a choice I made. And man, it was HARD when they were little. Hindsight is 20/20 but I do think my struggles in being a mom impacted my ability to be a wife, which was one of the factors that contributed to my divorce when the kids were 5 and 2. Furthermore, I have no idea what choices I would have made if circumstances had been different - I married my first husband at 26 and was able to get pregnant fairly easily both times.
I maintain that the silver lining in my divorce was that I was able to find myself once again. It is not something I would have chosen (I was in what I thought was a strong, loving, committed relationship, and I know my kids struggled with going back and forth between two homes), I felt like I was reborn. Half of the time, I was a devoted mother, but the other half of the time I was ME - I could choose to work late, go out with friends, date, or just chill at home alone. I didn't realize how much I needed this until I had it.
I do find myself lately thinking about becoming a grandmother someday, and it makes me sad to think that my kids might choose not to have kids of their own. Sad, but not angry, hurt, or confused - this is their choice. But after experiencing my mom's particularly close relationship with my kids, it seems like it would be so much fun to be a grandparent.
I feel this. Right now I doubt either of my kids will have their own children and it makes me really sad because I would love to be a grandmother, but if they choose not to I will never make them feel guilty about it for a lot of the reasons Tiffany wrote about in her comment. Having kids now is infinitely harder, I think, than it was even twenty years ago when I had mine. Resources seem scarcer and everything is so damn expensive.
I ended up married with children, but sometime in my late 20s, I realized I was fine if it happened or it didn't happen. I would have been fine with either outcome. There are so, so, SO many ways to have a full, amazing, connected life full of love that do not require having children. I will never tell someone to have kids or ask when they are. It's ridiculous. Our life would be very different without kids, but I can't say whether it would be "better" or "worse" - it's a silly comparison that devalues everyone's life choices and circumstances. You do you, always here to support everyone's choices about their lives (barring, y'know the patently dangerous or illegal).
I wish I could like this twice. Thank you! ❤️
As a person with kids, I think there's a lot of wild mental gymnastics going on behind that crap those parents spewed at you. Specifically, I think it's a whole lot of suppressed angst about how maybe parenting is too much to be worth it. It's absolutely impossible to have a conversation about regretting having children, because you're talking about the existence of an actual human being, which makes a lot of parental emotions totally taboo. (Parents can talk about how tired and overwhelmed they are, but it's taboo to question whether you regret having kids.) So we convince ourselves that there must be a Golden True Reason why having kids was the right decision. So you, with your apparent happiness and lack of regrets, are really challenging a load-bearing belief for them, and they're lashing like immature asses in response.
Thank you! This makes a lot of sense and explains a lot. 💕
I believe to the core of my being that every child ought to be enthusiastically wanted - and especially in this day and age, there is – or should be – no reason for kids just to be the default thing that people do. I feel this all the more deeply because I have two, the most wonderful kids, who were wanted and planned for; I have told them both that they have no obligation ever to have children of their own, and that what I want for their lives is that they make the choices that make them happy. Having kids was my choice, but they are separate people from me and deserve to be able to make their own choices.
[[Applause]] The journey is different for everyone and that is OK. I cherish your experiences as they have been different than many of mine and have been, in many cases, an inspiration. You can always count on this old friend, but we have a ways to go! 😘
Did the guy who thought women who chose not to have kids were lacking in empathy look in the mirror? Good grief!
Also, I wish I could go back in time and tell younger Adrien how gifted at writing she was (and bring her macarons).
Oh, he was a functioning alcoholic so really, the call was coming from inside the house with that one. But it always stings when people say that stuff to your face. And thank you!
I thought I didn't want kids, and then I realized I wanted one (ONE), and I am in complete agreement that only folks who really, truly, want them should have them. My kid is my priority in life, and he will be for the next 18 years. But I CHOSE that, and I chose it knowing this would be the case - because my parents didn't prioritize me, and sent me off to adulthood with a whole bushel of emotional baggage.
I am in full-throated support of however folks want to live their lives, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Have kids, don't have kids, travel, become mayor of your town, whatever. Happy people make the world a better place.
i'm so sad you said that about your childhood, I mean, that you didnt' have an excellent one. you're so funny & interesting and I love your blog & substack. anyway, you're amazing. I don't care if you don't have kids.
Thank you. Honestly, in some ways it made me more resilient and forced me to work things out on my own. I wish I could write more about it but I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet.
Thank you for writing this. I am childless and what you described was very close to what I went through (I'm now 52). This article brought tears to my eyes and so many emotions including relief maybe? Relief in the sense that I'm not the only one to have these feelings, I'm okay and normal. I love children and being around them but for me it just seemed to be never the right time to have a child and too overwhelming that I'd be responsible for a person totally dependant on me. This article helped me feel normal about being childless and not selfish
There are lots of us! It's truly okay to not want to take a common path and lots of people have kids for entirely selfish reasons. People who think someone who choses to not have kids is "selfish" are telling on themselves.
Love it. Really thoughtful post. I'm really lucky to have been spared anyone ever really saying anything to me about not having children. I come from a small family where my parents were the only ones out of their siblings to have kids so I never even had cousins. I think also, when kids grow up feeling like they have to parent their parents, it really takes away from the "miracle" that is having children. For some of us, it's constant worry, concern and survival at a young age. My adult years have been spent trying to find my inner child.