Cats Will Break Your Heart.

A love story.

Warning: sad story ahead.

This one is for the animal people - the folks willing to never have perfect furniture or a clean floor. My coffee table had bite marks on the corner, the living room rug is littered with toys and empty grocery bags the cat has deemed “mine” and our leather couch has, let’s say, a patina of scratches. All of this is worth it if you are lucky enough to have picked the right one (and I definitely am.)

Me, I’m a cat person from a long line of cat people. I love dogs too but I’ve never (yet) had a dog, just cats. I’ve had cats that were okay and cats that were jerks and a few cats that were extra-special, with whom I had a deep connection:

• Francis Bacon, a Tonkanese that my mother purchased from a breeder but he was always my boy, my teenage companion. He would sleep next to me every night under the covers with his head on my pillow. What a lovely guy he was. Chatty and tolerant of all kinds of nonsense.

• Dido (aka The Fuzz) who I rescued sight unseen from a customer who came into the Clerks-eque corner store (circa 1995?) where I worked and asked if I wanted to adopt a Siamese kitten. Yes, yes I did. She stole my heart he second I met her: a determined little ball of fluff with blue eyes. My ex and I had her put to sleep at the respectable age of 18 after her health spiraled. I was devastated.

• My goofy tabby cat Daniel is also on this list, but this is not about him.

This is about our other cat, Lucy. In 2017 my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I adopted Lucy together with the understanding that I’d be moving in with him and bringing the cats with me. I wanted a little friend for Daniel, mainly. We looked at all the kittens at the shelter and it was my husband who spotted her and said, what about that one?

She was about 4 months old, little but not a tiny baby, and she was alone in a bottom kennel. We don’t know her story but she was VERY mad when we couldn’t take her with us that day because the shelter had a waiting period. We went back for her a few days later and she sat happily on my lap all the way home, watching the world intently out of the car window.

Lucy was never quite right but she made up for it in sweetness. She had health issues including a heart murmur that the vet didn’t make a big deal about at the time. She was always a little unbalanced in a very un-cat kind of way and was hesitant when jumping on or off any surface (“Lucy, you’re a CAT. You got this!” I would say to her.) She had sensory issues that eventually lead to litter box issues. Out of desperation, I hired a reiki healer. I totally did. I just wanted to get through to her and figure out what was wrong. It did help a little bit but I often wondered if she had some neurological issues as well.

Despite these challenges, Lucy was the sweetest, purest soul in cat form I’ve ever known. She loved us deeply, especially my husband, who regularly picked her up and walked around with her perched on his shoulder. She loved this, but only with him. She had bunny-soft fur and a secret white spot on her belly. She is the only cat I’ve ever had who loved a belly rub. She had no aggression of any kind towards us¹ and trusted us so deeply, at least until we tried to give her medication, in which I was usually the bad guy who got the sad looks of disappointment. Oof.

She loved a nose boop and it wasn’t uncommon for one of us to say, “Lucy is feeling boopy if you want one.” All you had to do was lean in and give her a little head scritch and *boop*. She’s also the only cat I’ve ever had that thanked me every time I gave her treats. Before she ate them she’d first make eye contact and give me a little leg hug. I mean, how can you not love that?

In the last year or so, she started getting more timid and fearful and was hiding a lot. I now wonder if this was less about fear and more about her not feeling well. Cats are really good at hiding illness.

Two weeks ago the day started out as a normal Monday. My husband gave Lucy her morning crunchy treats and headed off to work. I lingered over my coffee a few minutes longer than usual, putting off the effort of getting ready for the work day.

Lucy was in her cat tree by the window and I heard her jump down but it turned into her falling down. It’s not uncommon for her to not stick the landing, but this was different. Lucy collapsed in front of me, her back legs given out. She wailed, I wailed. I texted my husband through tears. I panicked. Lucy panicked. Then…she gasped for breath in a way that told me what was happening. There was no time. She took her last few breaths as I stroked her head and told her we loved her and she died right in front of me.

All of this happened in the space of two or three minutes. My husband tried to make it home in time but there was no time. We lost our sweet girl to sudden heart failure brought on by a blood clot, a very common end for a cat with a heart defect, my research later told me. I don’t think her first vet ever explained that this could happen but honestly, there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing that could have been done and no way to prepare for a deeply loved pet to die right in front of you.

Our hearts are broken. We are devastated. My husband especially is really struggling and grief is such a weird thing. We’ll be fine, just fine, and then one of us will start looking for her in a usual spot, or put ice in her water bowl so she can find the surface². It resets the sadness all over again. Daniel looks for her constantly, which breaks my heart again and again.

But for me, as awful as this feels, its worth all this pain. Getting to be Lucy’s people was such a privilege and we’re so lucky to have picked her. To have the love and trust of such a sweet soul was a gift and we gave her the best seven years we could. The short lives of beloved creatures are measured in quality, not quantity but it will still break your heart in two.

1. She saved that for Daniel! They would take turns chasing each other up and down the stairs, a game Daniel loved and that Lucy didn’t realize was a game.

2. She’d stare deeply into her water bowl before drinking. Was she trying to find the surface or practicing hydromancy? She was unknowable.