Childless Cat Lady or Everyone’s Mom?
What's my age again?
Twelve years ago I went to the beach with my family. Back then I looked like this:
I mean. Do I keep this photo to torture myself? Of course I do, but the truth is that even though it’s the best I ever looked it was also the worst I’ve ever felt. I was freshly divorced, completely miserable and full of anger. But hey, I did not look like I was 40 years old, right? My baby face has always been my best party trick - I’ve never looked my age and somehow took it for granted that I never would. Then, I went to the beach with my family. My half sister (who’s 11 years younger than me) and I went to a bar for a drink. A 50-something man sitting at the bar alone half heartedly attempted conversation with us, opening with this deadly got-no-game line: “So, are you two like, mother-daughter or…”
Aghast does not even cover it. We both look at each other with amused alarm and this dude, immediately realizing his faux pas started back-pedaling like crazy. When we went back to the beach house told this story to my dad and stepmother who thought it was HILARIOUS. The idea that I could be her mother became a running family joke.
The next year I went back to the same beach with this same sister and we went to pick up pizza for dinner. Here I am at the beach not looking like I’m 41:
The older dude working the pizza counter looked us up and down and said, “This is a mother-daughter situation, right?”
FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Out in the parking lot we were laughing so hard we could barely speak and a text to the parents was immediately sent. (Honestly, knowing this story amused my father makes me love it more1.) It was clear that on Oak Island, NC I look old enough to be a 30 year old’s mother. (Or maybe the problem is that men need to STOP ASKING THAT.)
Anyway, this thing happens when you hit a certain age where all that mythical stuff you’ve heard about suddenly applies to you. You are not the exception to the rule. All the stuff Nora Ephron wrote about becomes your reality. You catch sight of your aging neck at a weird angle or find a super long hair growing out of your chin that you’d swear wasn’t there the day before. You magically put on 10lbs that will. Not. Budge. Despite all this, your brain hasn’t caught up. In your head, you still look like you did ten years ago until something happens to make you realize, nope. You now look your age. It’s honestly quite rude.
Which brings me to Monday night. Every Monday night my husband and I walk to a nearby bar for trivia night. We have a team with Mike and Justin, a couple who live a few doors down. They’re both in their mid 30s and between the four of us, we have a pretty good range of knowledge. We win fairly often but there’s another regular team of a couple of guys who are our friendly rivals.
One week a few months ago, Fred was out of town and Justin was busy, so Mike and I went alone to trivia night2 and…you can probably see where this is going, right?
So, one of the rival team guys came over to chat and referenced the week that Mike and I were there on our own and won. He asked how we all knew each other and we explained. He then said “Yeah, we were trying to figure it out - like, were you two a mother-son team or what.”
Y’all. That sound you hear is my youthful soul shattering into a million pieces. It’s now. Now is when I look my age. Now I look like I could be the mother of a 36 year old man. I asked rival team dude how old he thought I was and he said, with no hesitation, “I’d guess you’re in your 50s?” The nerve! Obviously he’s not wrong, and Mike definitely looks younger than 36 but STILL.
I’m not even sure why this is bothering me so much since lately I’ve been letting my grey grow out and I haven’t gotten Botox in ages (though I think it might be time to get back on that train.) I’m simultaneously mourning my youth and relaxing into my true age and I don’t even know how I feel about it. It’s so confusing. Why does it bother me that I now look my actual age? What’s wrong with that? Obviously nothing, but I do wish my brain would catch up already.
It literally just occurred to me that perhaps I’d been set up. I wouldn’t put it past them.
And won! We dominated.
The thing you should have done was start making out with your "son"! That would have set things right... Gah I feel you girlfriend. So much.
It is SO CONFUSING! I am 43 and my child is 20. With her glasses on she can unlock my phone. In my head my own mother is still 38 so I don't know what is even happening. Aging is a gift and all that blah blah but the patriarchy and misogyny run DEEP with how we are perceived.