A podcaster I like who’s also a therapist recently said something along the lines of “You’re not supposed to be happy all the time.” This struck me in a profound way and I realized the main emotion it gave me was relief. It feels like we’re always STRIVING for happiness but it’s not actually our purpose in life. Happy is fleeting. Happy is moments. Happy is not supposed to be all the time because that sounds exhausting. I mean, go for content or satisfied if you must, but happy? Settle down.
About 12 years ago I went through a phase of abject misery, to the point that I stopped being excited about the little things. A great new TV show? A music festival? A book by your favorite author? Who could be excited about that? Eventually I worked my way out of it (yay therapy!) and when my misery abated I was able to feel excitement again but mostly everything felt kind of flat. Being miserable requires a lot of mental energy that I wasn’t expending anymore and now I wasn’t sure what to do with that brain space. I wasn’t sad anymore but I wasn’t happy either. Instead I was fine and fine is kind of boring.
Boring can be okay, though. Boring is exercising every day and eating well and not drinking too much and getting enough sleep. Boring is going to work every day and doing the dishes and grocery shopping. Most of life is boring which is a lot better than miserable.
Happiness? That’s in the little moments. The fleeting joy. Happiness is seeing the neon red leaves in fall, a color so intense that it doesn’t look real. Happiness is a silly IG meme from the neighbor who’s now an actual real-life friend. Happiness is waking up with a striped cat fully stretched out and snoring right next to you. Happiness is looking forward to watching a new episode of GBBS with your husband on a cozy Friday night. Happiness is riding your bike fast down a flowy section of wooded trail. The trick is to recognize it when its happening and store that moment away for later, if needed.
If I sound too Pollyanna-ish, never fear, I have a long list of things that piss me off, worry me, and give me anxiety daily. I spend a lot of time wishing I could undo a thing I said or did and I spend way, way too much time worrying that everyone is mad at me or doesn’t like me. (Why am I LIKE THIS. Literally nobody is liked by everyone and I certainly don’t like everyone I know, but still, I strive.) I want to overcome my awkwardness, my inability to flex on a dime, my need to be scheduled and punctual and correct.
Mostly I try to avoid parroting mother’s favorite negative response to just about anything, “…well, the problem is…” but I do it all the time. I poke holes in plans, looking for the weakness, the potential pitfalls, anything that can go wrong. It’s just how I’m built and it’s my baseline but it doesn’t have to be my whole personality.
I follow a few people online who use social media to complain about literally every little thing and I find it so irritating because, lord, save it for the big stuff. Look, my brain is also full of complaints but I’m not putting it out there for the whole universe to see. It’s not the karma I’m looking for and not the kind of energy I want to feed.
There’s not really a conclusion or a revelation after all these words, just that I am trying, every day, to recognize the happy bits and be content with the boring bits. The rest of it I will continue to sweat quietly but I probably won’t post about it on Facebook and I definitely won’t ever have a gratitude journal1.
You get me, Hugh Grant.
I totally agree, and find it hard to be (close) friends with folks who can't--or won't-- find pleasure in simple everyday things.
This is so good and so relatable. I think poking holes at things and trying to deflate potentially good plans or ideas is a coping mechanism for having dealt with some real crappy experiences. It’s a way of aligning yourself with and preparing for disappointment. It’s not necessarily bad but it’s just trying to take some control over the unknowns. At least for me.